Well, today I will write professionally, no more dots and random thoughts!
Actually, I have many things to write about after several days of abandoning my blog. I am so glad that I decided to join Aikido club, which somehow could become my “sweet home” later. The feeling of being an outsider (’cause you have just joined the group) is an unpleasant one. Watching others playing around, thinking I have to find something to do immediately, oh my god he is looking at me, what do I have to say???
I like to practice with a guy but it is not because he is handsome or anything belongs to the “love” part. It is just because he is very enthusiastic and concise in his demonstration, giving me encouragement to try my best… Well, everything just happens unexpectedly. He refused to be my “uke” (a Japaneses word means the ones who will bear your attack) in the next day, when I was about to pair up with him. The reason is “We have already practiced together”. That moment, I realized that there is one rigid rule in this “future sweet home”: “Love is forbidden”. From that time, I kept repeating, screaming, mumbling in mind that “You are not allowed to love or “like” anyone in this club”, “Be normal, act normally”, “He does not like you, you are not anything special”, “I have to focus on my assignments”… and other miserable sentence I could think of.
Admitting the reality that attractiveness does exist in himself drives me insane (’cause I never dare to have a mere thought about this issue). Holding wrists and looking at each other’s faces really caused a special sensation, especially between two opposite-sex objects. They are pushed and attracted to each other by an intangible, inexplicable force. Someone you used to think dulling now appears to be so different (in a positive and amusing way) that you cannot stop yourself from trying to explore that person again.
My brain used to be under the impression that this guy is only made of exaggerated statements. We studied in the same English class before entering university. His hobbies, which you can observe in the break time of the disastrous 5-hour-class, is making others feel more than foolish with his “enormous” knowledge in some particular topics (computers, headphones or even marital art). He would possibly have a huge speech or strings of unforgettable [swear] words for anyone who dared to step forward and “discuss” with him.
That’s how things change, in such a dramatic and treacherous way!
I guess determining to master Aikido skill is the only way I can satisfy myself and temporarily forget about my childish sensation (or send it to the deepest, darkest, murkiest place in my brain, haha, you are banished for the rest of your existence…. moahhh ha ha ha).